Monday, March 2, 2009

broken man's lament

my dad moved to houston the day after christmas over a year ago. and yesterday was my second time to visit. it was his 51st birthday, so i was there for him. i met his new life there. and it was impossibly hard to swallow. when you look at your dads face and you know without a doubt that you visiting him on his birthday is the best thing that will happen to him all year. and when he cant help but cry and thank you again and again for loving him, your heart cant not rip in shreds. i think i kept it together though. like i said, i was there for him. it was his birthday, and no matter how piercing his reality was for me, i didnt want him to think that i at all regretted coming or was embarrassed or angry with him. 
i wasnt as great or as stalwart as i would have liked though. i had to go shopping to keep him from seeing my tears. i dont think ive ever refused to let myself cry so much in one day. it was like a chant inside my head: dont cry yet dont cry now stop it dont.  so anyways, all that to say, im feeling better now. coming to grips with this new reality is necessary for me. and i know itll take forever, but im trying. because i miss my dad every day. and everyday i pray that he survives today. i love my dad. and he knows that. and i told him that it hurts me to see him so far from being happy. because it does. its paralyzing actually. 

but beyond all that, i bought very cool very perfect things for spring. these are from anthropologie. and they look way cooler in person. the dress is like a happy little garden teaparty dress of grays and blues and then the pants are actually green and the shirt is a blinding blue thats super wonderful. the ones from urban outfitters and zara werent online, so no pictures of those. :(


2 comments:

  1. Beautiful.
    I miss seeing you everyday. I miss being able to go to coffee beanery with you and get wraps. I miss sitting in AP lit next to you, always getting in trouble with Mrs. Boyd. Or 1st period pre-cal with Kay..... Those were the days.....

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  2. ahhhhh the best days....
    mrs boyd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    miss you come to little rock ill be here waiting :)

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