this catharsis.

this weekend was kind of exhausting. I got to Little Rock Thursday night after driving 5 hours through fog rain. and i feel like I didnt stop planning, decorating, doing things until sunday night when i got to jake's.

I like being alone and driving, but i havent been making the nashvillelittlerock drive alone much lately and i did not enjoy it this time. jake normally comes. and jake normally drives.
eversince i fell asleep driving home the summer after freshman year, I am always thinking about crashing. and everytime i pass that stretch of I40 my throat gets all full.

i tend to cry when im alone though, which is something i am secretly fond of.

i believe crying is the best kind of therapy.
Im not sure what it is or why driving is soo overly cathartic for me but i cry on every road trip i take. and it normally isnt because ive been particularly sad, its just that i always begin reflecting on life. and how much the people in it mean to me. i should confess though, alot of times i can be embarrassingly morbid. jake is always saying, geez sarah just stop thinking about that stuff. but i like it. i like being aware, or being reminded of how much i forget about on a mondaytofriday basis.

i cry everytime i get in the car after being with my dad. i just miss him. i miss my family being a family. and i miss hugging him more than just once every few months.
i imagine peoples funerals alot. thats the morbid part. im really sorry. but im not willing to change. i like thinking about what i would say if a person wasnt here anymore. the crying eulogy part is just me being thankful.

i think about what i would do if something happened to jake. i try to picture myself giving a eulogy. but i cant really. i think that if i tried to communicate with everyone about how grossly empty i am without him, or how ive loved him since i was 16, or listed all the reasons why he was better than anyone else sitting in front of me, it would cheapen it. the only thing i ever come up with is talking to each of jakes friends individually. because thats the most important thing about jake----how much he loves people. he tries to act like he doesnt, cause he thinks so many people are dumb, but he really really really does. i had to explain to him once why people fall in love with him. it took some effort. and i forgot that he doesnt always see the way that his generosity affects people.

its almost like he gets high off of being there and listening to people. he does it so often, genuinely, and without effort.

its very weird to me to think about other people loving someone the way that i love jake. its so embedded in who i am.

i think thats why that quote from wuthering heights means so much to me: whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.

people tell me all the time that they love jake and i together, because we are so cool and still so independent of one another. its funny to me, because we really really arent. jake can tell you how uncool i am and i can tell you how intrinsic he is to me. we became who we are today in reference to the other. there's just no separating that.

i told him once that if anything ever happened to me, i wouldnt want him to feel that he had to go to my funeral. and i asked him if it was okay if i didnt go to his.

which is of course when he said, geez sarah. stop thinking about these things.
and i was like, i mean, im the one thats gonna need to know whether or not you want to be cremated. otherwise you are going to be sitting on my mantlepiece pissed off and all broody for the rest of eternity.

and he said. ok. fine. i dont want to be cremated. please stop thinking about this kind of stuff.
which means its good that he doesnt read my blog.